Remember I mentioned the other day that I was struggling with a post involving some awkward feelings? Well, I just erased seven or eight paragraphs that resulted from the struggle, paragraphs that took me several hours to wrestle onto the screen. And those hours were not wasted, because by the end of them I understood a few things better, but you don’t need to read my untangling. . .
To sum up very quickly: someone asked me, a week or two ago, how I “filled my days.” I believe the question was phrased that way carefully and with sincere interest. I doubt it would have been asked of someone of pre-retirement age (it too closely echoes those myriad articles advising “how to fill your days in retirement”; throw that phrase in your browser for examples).
I do know that I’ve spent too much time since then feeling annoyed with my answer — which was self-deprecating in tone and in content. Self-deprecating in a way that, I see retrospectively, had to do with feeling defensive against the way I assumed I was being perceived, as a retired senior woman. (In fact, I’m not sure that my retirement even figured; at least, I seldom sense much curiosity or interest in what I might have done before I became this grey-haired septuagenarian with “days to fill.”)
It’s quite possible that my assumptions were correct. There’s plenty of evidence “on the daily” to suggest ageism, and to suspect that ageism is being magnified by sexism. There’s also a widespread social tendency to evaluate others by their paid work, by their job or their career.
As well, I couldn’t help but find a certain existential slant to this notion of “filling my days.” That’s probably thanks to my own filter rather than any interlocutor’s intention. At 70, there’s already a sense of those days being limited, and occasionally for me, an evaluation of how I’ve spent and am spending my time on the planet.
I belaboured all of this too much in those now-deleted seven or eight paragraphs. Because ultimately, I can’t control what others think, nor can I be sure I’m correct in assessing what they think . . . but I can control how I represent myself, including how I respond to their enquiries about how I fill my days now that I don’t have to work for a paycheque.
(Anyone remember the days of asking moms whether they “worked,” by which, of course, was meant work outside the home, for pay? Remember the slogan, “Every Mother Is a Working Mother!” So many ways that the co-opting of the word “work” for market purposes is problematic, but that’s “a whole ‘nother” post. Don’t worry, I won’t be writing it!)
So I’ve thought about my response to this question since, and I’ve recognized that I could have done much better. Maybe I’d begin, next time, by saying, “How do I fill my days? Anyway I want! Which is a splendid privilege after a lifetime of putting others’ needs first.” And then I’d laugh a bit, of course, and admit that my calendar was still filled with Musts and Shoulds, but that I especially enjoyed being able to “spread myself thin” as much as I wanted, and when I wanted. Some language study, a new online sketching workshop, some sock-mending, a new sweater pattern, and possibly even an embroidery project that’s been languishing for a while. Then perhaps the next week I’ll catch up on some reading and some writing, and even sit on the piano bench for a few hours sight-reading through old and new pieces.
I look after my fitness, health, and well-being in ways I didn’t manage before retirement. I nurture my marriage, keep the family channels open and operating (texts, WhatsApp, regular invitations for family dinners at our place) look after or hang out with my grandkids whenever asked, if I can, and organize special outings with them — next week, we’re taking the in-town Three to a live theatre production.
There’s also my large extended family that I do my best to stay connected with, although this gets tougher the more dispersed we’ve become, the busier my siblings become with their own kids and grandkids. I nurture old friendships and cultivate new ones, trying to make up for years of giving my social life short shrift in favour of dreaming up syllabi and marking term papers and preparing classes.
There’s a chance that the eyes of whoever asks how I “fill my days” will be glazing over by now. Maybe yours are as well. Maybe I need to work on a snappier answer — but retired and in my 70s, maybe instead I’ll get gently stubborn about giving a slower one, a comprehensive one, an expression of the quotidian activities that resists easy commodification.
But mostly, I need to lose the defensiveness and self-deprecation that show up from internalizing certain stereotypes of older women. That nonsense (the defensiveness, the self-deprecation) just shuts down my chance to answer a younger person’s curiosity about life after 60 or 70 or, some day for me, I hope, 80.
Anyway, I’ve been winding and fumbling my way around that question and my answer and trying to make a coherent post out of it. Not sure I’ve got there, but maybe you have some thoughts as well, or some experiences that jibe with mine. I welcome your comments.
xo,
f
Well,Frances,I’ll repeat that I admire your energy and “how you fill your day” :), and always did. You are awsome! (and I love your dress) I’m lazy comparing to you
We have (a new) saying:” She/ He is retired so she/ he is so busy” ,and it is often the truth
I’m beginning two big summer projects (some long-awaited post- earthquake reparation in my ex-wineyard cottagge and partial restauration/ interior decoration elsewhere)- hence my silentio stampa here to the last post.
It is 7.40 AM and I’m ready to challenge the first task of the day
Otherwise,as everybody and their cousin think: I’m painting my nails and drinking coffee all days long. Do I care what they think ? Sometimes yes,but it ain’t nobody’s business but my own!
Dottoressa
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K, I’m so happy you’re finally able to start those projects — I know you’ve been waiting (Patiently?) to get things done since that earthquake during lockdown and all the labour shortages after. I’ll cross my fingers it all goes well for you.
Ha! I’ll sit with you and drink coffee and paint my nails. . . (I love how well you can use all registers of English! I would love to be proficient enough in a second language to toss off phrases like “it ain’t nobody’s business but my own”! Brava, you!
xo
Thank you,Frances! You know my other redecorating site as well š
I only remember (and love) some lyrics,quotes and sayings,or sentences….this one is a song,not my merit!
D.
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I do know the other redecorating — just hope you don’t change out those beautiful sheer curtains that I have such a good memory of, swaying in the breeze through the open doors…
Even when my father was in his 50’s, and definitely working full time, often with physical labor, as well as the hours he spent at his desk, to the question “What do you do” he always answered, “As little as possible”! That could not have been further from the truth. But, he really disliked that 80s and 90s trend in the US at dinner parties of asking a stranger “what do you do”. I liked his answer then, and I like it now. Even though I work full time, I have begun answering that question by telling the asker something I am doing that week, such as– I squeezed in watching about 6 hours of Wimbledon on TV, and loved it.
A. in London
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My impression of you from our correspondence through the years is of someone with boundless energy quite irrelevant to your age.
I like your idea of answering that question with something specific, something top-of-mind for that period . . . and then see where the conversation might go from there. . . I think it was asked with genuine interest in getting to know me better and I sabotaged myself. Will put your technique in my toolbox, thank you!
I can only think this person does not know you very well . Your life seems to be packed with hobbies , interests & experiences . More so than anyone I know . I used to find such queries exasperating when I first left paid work ( age 50 ) especially as I spent the next twenty years doing , what was to me , more important & rewarding , voluntary work . I think now , those people were usually nervous & worrying how they would cope with their own retirement . I would airily wave a hand & say ā Iāve done working & not working & I know which I prefer ā or else ā aristocrats manage a life without working , why shouldnāt I ā . Flippant perhaps but I refuse to feel guilty after many years of full time work .This is my time to enjoy the little things & please myself . Some days are busy , some days are quiet . I donāt need to be dashing around to be happy . Perhaps you should just swear at them Frances š
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Wendy, you’re right that it was a new acquaintance, and I do think the question was asked with sincere interest as a sort of ice-breaker. We had a satisfying conversation over dinner, one-to-one, but as I say to A in London, I sabotaged myself — and I want to do better next time. But I won’t rule out the swearing option š¤£ . . . As in *#*$, Fill My Days? My problem is that I need More **#@* Days for all the Naps I love to Take!
I probably echo just about all of this and it has taken some years to be relaxed about it. I will never miss deadlines or term-time constraints. Or rules about dressing for work – appropriate, smart etc. I shall always be grateful that I can have a tea or coffee when I fancy it, nip to the loo when I wish, doze over a podcast after lunch (time of my choice)ā¦not feel I need to cram things for other people into my day. My availability for others is limited, by my willingness or not. And now, if you will excuse me, I need to do some ironing before I make some trousers. In a leisurely manner. Good day to you.
Author
Helpful, Annie, thanks! I’m grateful for all of that myself, the chance to do what I want and not have to be particularly good at it unless I want to be. . . I think I might have found it easier in my old community where I was known and seen for what I’d done there over the years. And as much as it shouldn’t matter how others see me, I’m still trying to build satisfying social networks here in a busy city. I need a t-shirt or hat from a reliable curating operation (you know, like a Harry Potter-style sorting hat) that says “Interesting and Likeable Person Here worth Be-friending”! š
You know, you could probably get one done at a print shop. I like the idea very much.
Frances,
whoever asked that question must have been totally out of synch with what you let us glean on your blog. It would have been more appropriate to ask (at least I would have asked the question have I been brave enough) how you manage to do and accomplish so much, given that an average day is only 24-h long!
With envy,
Teresa
Excellent observations, Teresa!
Author
It’s true, the questioner is a new acquaintance — the host of a cool program I sometimes attend, with whom I won a dinner! My frustration is mainly with myself for messing up my elevator pitch š Overall, we had a really enjoyable and engaging conversation, and the questions he lobbed at me were generally thoughtful and asked with what seemed to be genuine interest.
Frances, thanks for sharing those awkward feelings. Iām sure we all have them! I also tend towards self deprecating tones and then think afterwards that I could have done much, much better.
I like your āanyway I want!ā response which I think sums up a multitude of things.
I bristle at āfillingā time and also getting pigeonholedā¦there are plenty of everythings and nothings once you begin analysing (if that makes sense!)
I struggled with awkward feelings last week after deciding to do a whole lot of health checkups in one go. After feeling like Iād been poked and prodded all day, I got home feeling vulnerable and teary. (I realise how fortunate I am to have these health services, I just need to spread out them out!)
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You’re very welcome, Genevieve. Yes, “everythings and nothings” makes good sense! But I have to say, in my case, that the asker’s apparently genuine curiosity in the question wouldn’t have deserved any bristling, although there might have been some subconscious pigeonholing going on. If so, I hope I didn’t validate that while I was self-deprecating! I need to do better š
And re your awkward feelings last week — weird coincidence, I had an annual physical the week after a dental check-up which included those full-scan x-rays, and I found the whole sensation of being a scrutinized body just waiting for something to go wrong quite unsettling. Like you, fortunate to have access, but still disturbing.
Dear Francesā¦after over seven months since my husband passed away, I can say that I pass my days in thankfulness. Hopefully, that doesnāt sound too maudlin. But these months have been precious with time for reflection, grief, guilt, lots of paperwork (!), care, and bits of my old self. My faith, my family, and our church family have sustained me in immeasurable ways. I was recently asked if Iām lonelyā¦a sincere concern as a few sat together over dinner. I was caught by surprise and after pausing, I replied, “No.”. I thought that the question was asked with great concern. I remember her eyes as she asked.
When asked how they could help me, I frankly told them that I did not want to be alone, that I was a “party animal”. Smiles, invitations, shopping trips, dinners, lunches, meetings began to fill my days. But not too much, as I do love a quiet day at home, puttering in my garden, cleaning/organizing a space for one, cooking for myself and others, exercise, and re-inserting time for reading and crafts. Admittedly, Iāve made a few mistakes and have received help to rectify them.
Balancing memories and future plans is an interesting ebb and flow. Thank you for your writing and your thoughts that gave me pause to think and reflect.
Charlene H
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Not maudlin at all, Charlene, and I’m happy to hear that you’ve found so much support. You’ve made me chuckle with your self-description as “party animal”! Not quite the image of you I’ve gleaned over the years, but you’re obviously a people person. And one who will not likely languish for lack of something to do.
Gosh what a question? It can easily be misconstrued or I wonder perhaps is there an ulterior motive behind the question?
One could assume the question is posed as a curious oneā¦or one from a woman on the precipice of retirement? Exploring what other more experienced retirees do each day.
In my humble opinion you fill your days to the brim and I am in awe of all that you accomplish!
I find my days very open and opportunities knock at the door to delight and dabble inā¦the luxury of not HAVING to go to a paid employment position continues to be a huge gift. I fill my days as I please as I perceive that you do as well.
You do not owe anyone an explanationā¦just keep on living your life the way you want. You have earned these golden years :-))
Just my two cents at 6 am
Leslie
Hostess of The Humble Bungalow
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Another early riser! It’s later in the day as I respond, but I could have waved hello across the Salish Sea at 6-ish this morning.
The person posing the question is at least a decade from retirement and I think is genuinely interested in what others love to do, what makes them tick. But the phrasing of the question triggered some patterns in me that have been showing up again as I adjust to life without the easy identifier of my work or, before that, student, Mother of growing kids, etc. I’ll get there š
Hope your IV antibiotics are kicking in!
āWeā are at the point where many of the gatherings we attend are retirement or relocation in retirement affairs. Itās so interesting to me to see what people do once they are unencumbered by workā¦reading, gardening, exercising, volunteering, traveling, crafting, child caring, elder caring, even working at another gig. I asked a veteran librarian (who retired a few years before I) what she was going to do the morning after her farewell party and she replied: whatever the hell I want! I imagine some of the people asking about what one is doing after retirement may be projecting their own fears about worthlessness or irrelevance?
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I think this might be true for many who ask about life after retirement. But there’s a huge generational difference as well, with so many working in precarious positions with the possibility of a retirement tough to imagine.
Curious: at the time you got that reply to your question about the morning after from your retiring colleague, did it seem entirely credible or was there a hint of defensiveness in that assertive response? I knew I would have no problem filling my time — so many projects and activities I’d had to set aside to do my work — but I was unsure how I would feel about losing the truly satisfying parts of the work, the parts of me that really only came out to play when facilitating a lively discussion about a text. And I’ll admit I worried about losing a sense of identity. . . which is part of what that self-deprecating tone the other evening was all about. Some of that insecurity lingers, much though I’m happy with how I spend my days. hmmmmm. . . .
Oh, my departing colleague grabbed (and continues to grab!) joy out of everything! The reply was not defensive, it was more of an extension of how she approaches every experience. She was the queen of the shrug and offhand āwhadda ya gonna do?ā remark in the face in the face of annoyance. I will ALWAYS cherish the memory of her teetering about her party on precarious and beautiful heels while sipping a pink Cosmo. I asked the question as I was truly curious about what she would do next and knew it wasnāt going to be cleaning out the garage/basement/linen closets like 99% of the retired librarians I know.
The fact that you can mend socks to look that exquisite – a work of art – is everything! I think you should frame them, not wear them. LOL Since I live in a retirement community, nobody asks… they are all busy filling their own days by choosing from the “menu” of options available within the community.
I had been feeling a bit irrelevant after a lifetime of people counting on me, and always having had “places to go and people to see.” I retired, became very ill, then Covid struck. I am just now feeling better, finding my feet and starting to explore what it is that would bring me pleasure, and feeling good about it. My Third Act.
You are always an inspiration, Frances. Thank you!
Author
Thanks Donna! But if I framed them and didn’t let him wear more holes in them, there’d be no more colours and patterns to add š
I think for those who retired in the year or two before Covid, there have been even more adjustments to make, with fewer resources. I’m pleased to here you’re starting to get some traction in your Third Act (a great expression).
Well, I don’t answer questions that don’t deserve answering. So, if I think someone is only asking for politeness and doesn’t really care I just say ‘hah!’ and flip my eyes. I never, ever, self-deprecate. No, no, no. The idea of saying something I don’t believe to be true, of selling myself short, to somehow placate or satisfy a stranger is just not in the cards.
There, that feels better.
If the person is genuinely interested, as yours was, I often say ‘I do what I like and I do it slowly’ which often leads to wonderful conversation about the joys of slowness and the things that are better that way.
The next level (there seem to be levels) is the person (Often a man. With a Big Job.) who upon hearing how blissfully happy I am in retirement, thinks a minute and then says ‘I’m a bit worried’. I’ve had this conversation so many times, I say ‘you’ll be fine’ and talk about thinking of things you’re interested in, no matter how small, playing around with or learning more about those things, the idea that no one is watching and no one cares if you pick something up and then drop it, etc. etc. (This is often in a professional setting and is a strange sort of table-turning. Because they think I know something they don’t, and I might be able to tell them what that is.)
Oh. So I never really tell anyone how I fill my days. Hmm. Yes, I like mystery.
And I like your new dress and your smile! (With un po’ di envy because I could not show my teeth right now for love nor money. If I want to see them I have to lift my lip gently, with my finger, and it does not move far. Poor me. And the string of hilarious insults re my appearance that have come from my so-called loved ones! Yesterday my daughter called me Dr. Zaius.) And please tell me you did a little twirl in that dress, just to feel it lift.
Author
First things first: I’m so sorry about the tooth discomfort (and appearance! I had to google Dr. Zaius, and OOF, low blow! š Good to know you’re on the other side of at least the first stage of this dental project! Talk about how we fill our days in retirement!
And yes, I have done more than a few twirls in the dress. And a flounce or two. Sometimes with my hands in the pockets, sometimes not. Honestly, I’m in love with its floral flounciness, especially with sneakers.
I’m going to try channelling you, seriously, and become someone who never, ever self-deprecates. Unfortunately for me, I can convince myself that the self-deprecation IS true. But then I’m trying to pay attention to that whole “You are not your thoughts” life-coaching stuff, and “Just the facts ma’am.” And so much depends upon representation and the narratives we construct for ourselves and for others.
As I’ve said in response to other commenters, I do think the question was asked in the spirit of genuine engagement (although probably coloured by certain assumptions). I love the response you say you often give, and I will try to remember to use this (or a similar approach) should I field the question again. It helps me see, as well, that the question might well have been asked simply to get a conversation opened up in any direction. And mystery, along with clever deflection, always intrigue and probably leave an interesting tension in their wake. Somewhat akin to the Cheshire Cat’s grin. . . š
So I might have asked you that question, not in disdain or denigration but in admiration and genuine curiosity! From here it appears that you are excellent at the filling of days with creative, health-giving, family-nurturing, fun-having activities, while I struggle. There. I said it. Having lost my mother and my father and my long-distance best friend in the past 4 years (as you know, not looking for sympathy of any sort, it’s just the situation), and given that my husband and siblings are all still working, my career was male-dominated and did not lead to friends, and a pandemic nixed most in-person volunteer activity, I am actively trying to rebuild/recreate the filling of my days in a way that doesn’t involve a) collapsing on the floor in anxiety b) watching Netflix and its ilk for hours and hours and hours c) immoderate use of alcohol d) consumption of too much fat and sugar for my cardiac system.
I posit that the filling of one’s days at our age is not only a privilege, it is a an essay of sorts on who we are and what, in the face of a mortality we can no longer ignore, matters. I can’t really imagine any days that would be more worthwhile and well-managed than yours.
Thank you, Lisa, for that post. My situation is very similar and it was nice to hear Iām not alone in this struggle. I too experienced a male-dominated workplace, but didnāt fully register the connection to friends or the lack there of, until I read your comment. The shift to retirement, followed closely by a global pandemic, major health challenges for my husband and several other family dramas has made for a difficult transition. Iām right there with you in fight against too much screen time, alcohol and sugar!
Thank you, Frances, for this welcoming spot youāve created for us. You provide a lot of inspiration for a vibrant life in these later years, but never skimp on the less than perfect bits. No one I know does retirement better than you!
Well, Wendy, I’m in the SF Bay Area, so if you are ever around, feel free to ping me on Instagram or my blog and maybe we can have a cup of tea. Very good at fighting off the other stuff, I find:)
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You’re very welcome, Wendy, and thanks so much for the encouraging and thoughtfully kind words. They’re what keep the blog going!
Author
I think the question was asked (by someone who didn’t know me but who was willing to host a one-on-one dinner in the same restaurant you and Sue and I ate at, years ago) with a genuine interest in opening a conversation. And while my representation here on the blog, I think, looks fairly confident, definitely busy and engaged in the world, etc. I have an ongoing struggle with questions of identity and purpose and self-worth, when my mood runs in that direction. The structure of a career was integral in holding that at bay. I do have two or three friends still from my workplace, but having moved away from my old community makes those harder to nurture. As you seem to be, I’ve been surprised to find that friend-making strategies that have worked well for me through several moves and a few new undertakings are not as effective here and now, at this stage of life. I’m delighted to see that you and Wendy might get together; I’ve been exhausted at times by the reaching-out it takes to sort and build our way to friendships that used to happen more organically. (and I will say again, with a HUGE sigh, that I wish you lived closer, my friend š
Thank you Frances. I reply to your sigh with a huge one of my own and a rueful nod of the head. Imagine the walking and talking we could do, the trails we could inhabit.
I do understand that what appears on the blog can’t match your inner experience And now you’ve said that, I’m thinking maybe something about the unstructured nature of retirement does let our inner struggles with temperaments, moods, psychology, take more space. For better and worse.
Author
Yes to the space-taking. And absolutely, for better and for worse. There was something to be said for just getting on with things. But also, I suspect, some “things” can’t just be pushed aside forever. So here we are š
xo
Great post. I’ve been reading your blog anonymously since before you retired. Came initially for the travel postings, but stayed for discussions like this one. I’m now on the verge of my own retirement, and the issue of (as you put it) how I should be “spending my time on this planet” is a pressing one. You are a role model for others who are noodling over these same issues, though my attempt to take up knitting was an abysmal failure. I admire your continued openness to new experiences and adventures, along with your willingness to share the occasional bumps in the road with your readers. Please don’t stop!
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Thanks, Kathy, I’m tickled you’ve been reading for years, and I appreciate the encouraging words about the blog.
Good for you, being able to tick knitting off your list — as Tried and also as Nope! ;=)
So much to learn about ourselves in retirement, and you’ll catch the rhythm soon enough, I’m sure, and find it satisfying to have so many options and time to pursue them. And there will probably be bumps and adventures as you adjust – Because Life, right? xo
Itās hard for many people to imagine life without paid (or unpaid) work. Theyāre unsure if theyāll be able to find enough joyful things to do, or perhaps whether theyāll have the ability to fund the things theyād like to spend their time doing. So many unknowns, so many uncertainties. For me, the question you were asked can be a plea from the uninitiated seeking guidance from someone who has explored the unknown territory. As is often the case, itās more revealing of the one asking the question than the person being asked. Many appealing answers have come from yourself and your readers. My favourite answer is āas much or as little as I like. Iāve earned the privilege to chooseā.
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Exactly. I think that so much of our identity is tied into our labour market value (and, consequently, social status) that it can be as scary as it might be liberating to think of letting that go. And I’d like to be able to answer the question less defensively (while also, perhaps, gently pushing back against the notion of empty days needing to be filled). . .
I think that might be my favourite answer as well (although these days of precarious employment and so many working without possibility of pensions that I might not mention the part about privileges earned and choice š
What a wonderful post, full of very full days. I’m not surprised. From reading your blog, I never wondered how you fill your days, but rather I wonder how you do so much in a day. You are so busy and much of what you are doing draws me in. Your lovely sketches, your writing, your book reviews, your charming mending. Bike rides, walking, visits with grandchildren and children, Italian lessons, trip planning, gardening, lunches with friends. Whew!
I’ve not been doing my usual work for several months and I cannot figure out how to streamline my activities enough that I can get more done. Between blogging, gardening, walking, reading, cooking, knitting and sewing projects, and somewhat uninteresting other chores, the list of things that I want to do is growing and growing. I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it, I need Hermione’s time turner gadget.
Love the new dress. Perfect for summer. It’s not what I would consider your usual solid linen summer dress (although I’m not sure that I know your closet well enough to make that statement). Love your linen dresses, but this new one is quite festive and a nice addition.
Author
Isn’t it a great dress? It’s true that it’s different than the solid-colour or neutral-checked linen dresses I’ve been showing here, but I’ve had floral dresses in my past (a cotton chintz-y summer floral tea dress in the late 80s? early 90s? Loved it!) and could not resist this one. Obviously dresses up or down, and given my lifestyle, it will be worn mostly with sneakers or Birks. . . š
Oh… that dreaded question. It always puts me on the defensive too. And much as I would like to airily say something glib and witty, I can’t. Perhaps because I was the first of my siblings to retire, even though I am the youngest. Perhaps because I always feel as if I should apologize that Stu and I planned financially for retirement. Or feel guilty that others have not had the luxury of our secure pension. I don’t know. Maybe all of those. I need to be more thick-skinned, I think.
But I also want to add that word choice is so important and revealing. The phrase “filling one’s days” makes me feel the “filling” is passive, as in passively putting in the time, instead of actively enjoying or engaging with life. A friend who was still working said a few years ago that his recently retired teacher wife was supply teaching because it “gave her something to do.” That made me sad. Both at his attitude to her retirement, and at her seeming inability to find something she really wanted to do.
I think the lockdowns and stay-at-home orders were a boon for us retirees who still felt a bit guilty at not being “productive.” I loved being forced to fill my days with things I had been putting off in favour of more “important” activities. Reading, sharing homemade lattes with Stu when he took a break from gardening, prioritizing daily exercise, my blog post research (aka trolling fashion sites). Well, you know.
I’m still striving to not feel inadequate because it seems as if I am less “busy” that others. And I’m beginning to hate that people sigh and say they are busier than ever in retirement. Really? Not me. I revel in my non-busy-ness, or my only-as-busy-as-I-choose state. Like Annie, I love being able to stop of tea whenever I choose. Which is frequently, I might add. Ha. xox
P.S. I am gearing myself up to try knitting some of those little animals you’ve been turning out. Although I may not be able to bear to give them away to a young relative when I’m finished. š
Author
Oh yes, you and I are on the same wavelength. Has to do, in some small part perhaps, from having both been bookworms from way back, we could spend hours, days, weeks in an activity that seemed, well, NOT an activity, to so many others.
Re the little animals: the instructions are beautifully clear, but you will do better if you take an hour or so learning how to knit “Magic Loop” on a circular needle before starting. You can make the teeny nose on four double-points but it’s really frustrating. Once you’ve got the “magic loop” technique, it’s smooth easy sailing ahead, and then you’ll have it for other knitting-in-the-round projects. (I’m keeping my mole for myself, and currently making a sheep as well — the kids can play with them here, if they’re gentle! š
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Back to add that I helped a friend get hers started, after she’d worked on her own with a video about Magic Loop (there are many available on YouTube). . . It only took 15 minutes of our visit and then she was happily launched on her little bear or bunny and has gone on to make four or five more. If you don’t have a knitting friend to walk you through it, and the video gets you only part way there, most good yarn stores have someone who can coach you through it if you’re there when it’s not too busy. Looks as if you have an enviable choice of shops in Ottawa.
I agree that whoever asked that question was not really a reader of your blog. I am always impressed with how much you do even though no longer employed. I admit that when I retired at 69 I did worry as to how I would fill my days. And I admit that there are some days when I feel restless and some boredom creeps in. then I remember how for years I worked more than one job, and often traveling a distance to get there. I raised two children on my own and managed an active social life. Getting up at 5am to go for a run or to the gym. I have always loved to read but it was a guilty pleasure, now I read so many more books, and my concern is that I know that there are so many I won’t be able to get to in this lifetime. When I look at my calendar I see each day has a book club meeting, a lecture, a dinner with friends or family. I do find it takes more time to maintain a level of fitness in order to be able to continue to enjoy a full life. I feel grateful that in spite of losses, sight, strength, today at a routine cleaning my dentist discovered I had lost a chunk of enamel on a tooth. Oh well. And by the way, that dress is lovely.
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You sound remarkably busy with a very active social life — and I agree with you about what it takes to maintain an adequate fitness level to keep up that full a life. And to be ready for those inevitable challenges we’re more likely to meet at this stage, dental problems being high up on that list! Good luck with that!
Jiminy Crimmus! I would have not gone gently into a response to that inquiry.
Clearly, the query was made by someone who does not know you.
I’m going to repeat what I’ve said before, dear Frances. You are full of attained knowledge, reason, curiosity, and have both will and skill to exploit all your many gifts, while nurturing loving relationships and embracing the sacred ordinary with an appreciation too many lack. I envy your cultivated neuroplasticity.
You are an original, bursting with imagination.
If you are ever asked that again, may I suggest you consider, “The days aren’t long enough for a fraction of the things that interest me!” — Deborah, fiercely
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Thank you (again! ) for your fierce support! š
The query was indeed made — with very good intentions, I believe — by someone who was/is just getting to know me. And I’d like to answer its ilk better should it come at me again, from whomever. I like your suggested response very much and will be adding that arrow to my quiver,.
Wait. I’m not finished.
I know a number of women who are workingāboth younger and more senior than youāwho live their employed lives with such extraordinary dullness it boggles my imagination. Up, coffee, a prescribed meager breakfast, 8 or so hours of work, the odd errand or takeaway picked up on the way home, and some mindless television before struggling to sleep. Day after day, year after year.
You have miles of city striding, sketches, reading in one of several languages, writing, cooking, adventuring with Paul, communicating mindfully with your wonderful children and grandchildren to engage them with the world and your emotional and intellectual energy to mark your days. We should all be so lucky to be a little like you.
I think you ROCK!
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Ha! You know, I truly and sincerely was not fishing when I wrote the post, and the encouragement and reassurance and compliments from you and other commenters is more than a bit embarrassing. BUT it is also something that my self-deprecating inner whatever should take on board. I am going to do a better job of incorporating your vision of me into my responses to questions like the one that made me defensive. I’m going to try to build on that vision to replace the defensiveness with a sense of opportunity to let enquirers know that an older retired woman fills her days meaningfully and with much satisfaction and even a certain verve — heck, maybe even some Ć©lan. Ćlan is good, right? xo
I am betwixt and between, continuing with supply-teaching on a part-time basis, wondering when I wish to be fully retired. There were long periods of time during COVID when I did not teach at all, both when schools were closed and when they were open but I was uncomfortable with the risk of exposure. I don’t consider those periods to be a retirement test run … they were too filled with anxiety on a number of fronts.
However I “fill my days” when I am retired, I know for sure that they won’t be filled to bursting. I recoil when I hear retirees say, “I’m so busy, I don’t know how I ever found time for work.” Not what I envision for myself at all. But I also know myself well enough to realize that I’ll function best with at least a loose structure.
I join many others who have expressed admiration of the varied activities that are part of your retirement life. What really strikes me is that you have never stopped challenging yourself and setting goals. Perhaps those who can’t imagine how they would “fill their days” are afraid of losing the sense of purpose that has characterized their working years, largely from having external goals imposed on them.
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I’m with you — part of what bothers me about the phrase “fill your days” is the notion that they need to be filled, that they’re unproductive and somehow “empty” if we’re not actively doing something with them. . .
But you’re right, I do like to have goals or challenges or projects, something to move forward towards. Someday that challenge may simply be learning to sit and be quiet and accept where I am, and I hope I’ll be able to do that when I need to, but for now . . . like you, I like a loose structure, and the challenges or goals or learning opportunities give me that. Thanks for commenting!
Well, at the very least, you might reply that you are a published writer, an artist, and a world traveler. You fill that in with other fun stuff. This is quite enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I also think that once you are an educator, you are always and forever, an educator.
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Thank, Gloria! I think this could be a good way to answer that question in terms of opening a topic: Some days I fill simply by Being, and knowing that I am enough, that Being is enough. . . (of course, that works better if someone else makes me dinner ;-), but you know what I mean!
Well, I think that all your wise readers have already said – far more eloquently than I could – all that I could say on this and more. But I wanted to throw in a mention of my amusement when I read what I’d written on the torn out notebook page that I’m using for a bookmark. This must illustrate the randomness of the anything and everything that can fill the days of us retirees.
First comes a note of 8 year old Maya’s reading progress (she read four pages of The Sneezles to me in a school reading session on Tuesday and lost, and then found, her reading log book). Then I’ve used the now redundant page to jot down a few words from a phone call. Direct Line, Mortuary, and Leave a voicemail… (To quote Lisa above, not looking for sympathy, just the situation). Sometimes the breadth of the multitasking of women no longer in employment reaches the comic.
Love the dress too.
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Oh Ceri, This is beautiful! Yes to “the randomness of the anything and everything” — I think that randomness can fill our days at any stage (I think of my days of parenting young kids and still trying to be Me in the bigger world). . . but when our attention isn’t all caught up in the workplace, we have more time to notice it . . . and even make rich connections between the seemingly random items. The “breadth of the multitasking of women” Indeed!
When I first retired, I was asked at a social gathering Ā«Ā whatever do you do all day?Ā Ā». My immediate response was Ā«Ā Whatever the hell I please!Ā Ā» Perhaps that was a little too snarky but itās true! I suppose I could have gone on and on with enumerating all the different things Iāve been able to pursue now that Iām finally free to do and have the time for (much the same as you do) and then watch as their eyes glaze over. But why do I even have to justify myself? I canāt help but think that this person lacks imagination if they donāt know what to do with themselves outside of work. So instead, I leave it to them to try to imagine Ā«Ā what I do all day.Ā Ā»
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This is probably true, that someone who can’t imagine “whatever” you and I do all day is probably going to have a tough time figuring out what they might do in retirement. Answering their question with details of what we do is unlikely to spark their imagination.
I think the person who asked me the question was genuinely interested, but the connotations of his phrasing “triggered” me somehow to answer in a way that sold myself short. Snarky might have been better š¤£
I think this person knew your days were filled with a multitude of interesting thing; a 5 minute chat would have shown him a woman, still very much alive to the world around her, who did not fit the senior stereotype. I suspect he was genuinely fascinated by your endless curiosity, your vast stores of knowledge, practical and esoteric, and your genuine love of people. To say nothing of your nerve and discipline in learning new languages and taking up sketching. He invited you to dinner. Alone. I rest my case.
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Thank you Belle! We had chatted for 10 or so minutes already and I did get a sense of genuine interest (the dinner invitation is a cute story — I won it as a door prize for an event, could have brought Paul instead of gone with the host but thought I’d say Yes to getting to know someone new š
And it was a good conversation overall, but I’m mad at myself about the self-sabotage (which was a small part of the overall conversation, but still. . . )
I’m a bit late coming to the conversation because this 70 year old spent the past couple of days camping, hiking, and kayaking, but the topic is a very timely one for me as I’m also in the middle of reading Becca Levy’s fascinating book, Breaking the Age Code. I can’t remember if I read about it on your blog or someone else’s, but if you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it.
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Oh fun! As long as you managed to escape bugs and wildfire smoke! Good for you for getting out there!
I don’t know about that book — will look it up, thank you!
I saw your comment and ordered this book. Just finished it…it’s quite inspiring. Levy’s examples of all that activism and fighting ageism appeals to me. The pandemic years and being told we were a vulnerable age group did a lot to make me feel old and fragile and it is taking some recovering from. This book reminded me of how I’ve fought sexism and racism–and now I must resist being categorized and stereotyped. Thanks for the recommendation.
I relate to this very much. When I first retired, I began to consider the meaning and implications of the word ‘pastime’ — a way of passing the time. A wise friend had asked me if I really wanted to take a class on something or was it a ‘pastime’? I consider that all the time now, but haven’t come up with answers. Is it only in retirement that we need to find ways to pass the time?
For myself, attending lectures and classes is a way of socializing and hopefully finding intellectual conversation. I’m an extravert, I get my energy from others, and I have to structure ways of getting out of the house. If I weren’t ‘passing time’ in this way, what else would I be doing?
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It’s a curious notion, isn’t it? I mean, time will pass anyway. Are we looking to control its passing? Ours?
But “pastime,” as well, is such a dismissive term — something we only do to pass the time, whereas a “hobby” can hold the idea of passion (although, to be honest, I always bridle a bit at having my pursuits and activities and interests labeled as hobbies. Just me š
That need to quantify and qualify how we “spend” the time we have.
when I am asked questions like this (what do you do all day? are you bored now that your retired?) I can’t help but think that the person asking is worried about how they will fill their time if they were to stop working, or if they’re recently retired, are feeling bored and antsy themselves. I sometimes give a basic rundown of what I “do” on a typical day, but mostly extol the wonders of no longer having to compress whatever it is I choose to do into the relatively few free hours per week I had while still working……………..
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Yes, I think that rather than a rundown of the typical day, this gesturing to the wider possibilities open at this stage of life would be a better way to build a conversation and leave space for connection rather than defensiveness. Thank you! I think this would have worked well for the conversation I was having and I could have included a few specific examples of ways that worked in my life, my days, right now.
Interesting – my first take on “how do you fill your days?” was that it was an amazingly condescending thing to say. In context, not so much, so I’m taking it as a lesson to be mindful of how an innocent expression of interest could go badly. I also am reminded of an incident with my dad, many years ago – he was retired, and called to tell me that I needed to go mow my grandparent’s lawn as he was too busy. I said something snarky like “let’s see, you are retired, my husband and I have 2 full time jobs and a toddler, so maybe we are also busy?”. As a retiree now I can better appreciate the busy-ness of this life stage, but I hope I would be too smart to express it the way he did!
Ceci
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Exactly! I’m quite sure it wasn’t said condescendingly . . . but it set off a certain response in me because of how the phrase is so/too often used.
What a fascinating discussion! I’m with Sue, that although the question was undoubtably well-meant, there’s something, well, lacking in imagination in the query. I mean, if someone asked me, I could rattle off “exercise, language study, reading, cooking, hanging with friends, knitting, brushing the cats, shopping, setting up my new computer, booking flights for the next trip,” (that covers a lot of this week) but I feel like the questioner was saying, “What am *I* going to do when *I* retire, because right now I can’t envision it.” Which is a very different question, and discussion. And probably a really interesting one.
I’m in love with your dress! And it has pockets!
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I think a different phrasing (that better expressed the enquirer’s curiosity/intent) could have led to a really interesting discussion, Yes! As it is, we did have a very good conversation, but I could feel myself tightening up for a few minutes. . .
It’s the best dress! I’ll pass on your admiration š
My first thought was that lurking not very far below the surface of that question was, āHow do you justify your existence now that you are retired?ā And in a similar vein was another question from a young neighbour who accused us of, ārattling aroundā in our home, deeming it to be surely too big for just the two of us now that the children have gone. I will spare you my internal rant about just how many personal square feet he thought I should be permitted to have on this Earth. And is there a sliding scale?
And while Iām at it – looking old or young for my age – where are the guidelines for that published? Iām 69 and I look 69. Thank you for listening. I shall go and count some butterflies now.
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In fact, knowing the person who was asking, I’m sure there were only positive intentions in asking that question, but at some level I responded as if I needed to justify my existence. It was my own defensiveness, an internalization of a widespread social view of Women Getting Older, especially in pandemic times, that hampered my response and stopped me from best representing myself.
And your last paragraph: Remember Gloria Steinem’s response when a journalist commented on how great she looked, that she “didn’t look 50.” I’ve always loved her response, “This is what 50 looks like.” == meaning, I believe, not that it looked like that for all of us, but that each of us looks “like 50,” when we’re 50. (And oh, doesn’t 50 seem young from our current perspective š
Late to reading this because – I’ve been very busy “filling my days”. And still not getting through everything I want to (as opposed to have to) do. There’s an overlap in the middle of those, of course, otherwise housework, life admin and lending a hand in our ongoing renovations wouldn’t happen, but the balance is tipped very much towards the “want to”. I wonder if a woman would have asked the retirement question in quite the same way? I would probably also have struggled to come up with a truthful but marginally putting them in their place answer. How do you encapsulate a busy life of doing what you want to do, joyfully, in a few words? It’s striking how simply saying “I’m a lawyer/accountant/teacher” is enough to justify how you spend your days in some people’s eyes. And yet in my career in university management I always experienced my working day as a void in my existence that I couldn’t wait to get to the end of and start living real life. I retired as soon as I possibly could financially. Perhaps if someone is truly passionate about what they do then retirement seems a challenge, but for me the void was before, not after.
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I might borrow this for a future response to a similar question: “How do you encapsulate a busy life of doing what you want to do, joyfully, in a few words.” . . . and then might ensue a productive discussion. In fact, the person with whom I was speaking would have been a great resource for helping me move to a better representation — and perhaps he might have learned something about better ways to elicit what he wanted to know.
Linda, your comments ring true for me in every way. The āvoid was before, not afterā, sums up my experience of retirement and I thank you for elucidating it so clearly for me.
I’d say, retirement comes in many forms and shapes. You do not know how it will work until you are personally retired. What works for one individual might not necessarily work for another.
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Very true. And I’d add that it takes a bit to find your rhythm . . .
I waited to comment for a few days to think about the question, “how do you fill your days”. My first reaction to the question was that someone finds you and your lifestyle interesting and would like to know more. I know I never tire of your writing, you always have something interesting going on. I thought maybe a new reader would pose such a question.
As I read through the many comments, I loved discovering that each reader, in their individual style, came to your defense. We readers, though you may only know some of us though on-line interactions, feel like you are our close friend and getting ruffled feathers in defense of a friend is natural.
I was glad to read that the question came from a potential friend and no “harm” was intended. Just keep on being who you are, Frances, and doing what you do to fill your days. You are leading a full, beautiful life!
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I am so grateful and appreciative of this comment, Beverly! I love the perspective of someone who waited and read through the conversation that’s taken place here. Isn’t it great?! Thank you so much for this lovely encouragement — validation, even! — of what I do here. xo
I am late to the party, as usual. Just been too busy ;). But this way I had the opportunity to read all the comments – what a fascination collection of experiences!
The original question seems to start from the assumption that empty days are a problem and filling them is the solution. From my perspective, it is the other way around: there are so many things to do (some of them because I want to, some of them because I have taken on some obligation) that very often the days seem short. Not to mention the things on my inner list which I haven’t even started.
If I had been confronted with that question, I might have felt somewhat defensive. But now I think information would be the best answer.
Thank you for starting this discussion which leaves most of us better prepared for future questions of that kind (and they will come, I am sure).
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Better late than never, right? I’m just glad you found time to get here despite the busy whirl of retirement days (only semi-retirement for you, I know!)
Are you managing some restful days at the lake?