Just a quick post, more images than words, while I work on getting my Books Read in May report ready to click “publish” on, later this week.
I’ve been working on releasing some of the muscular tension that accompanies that amorphous anxiety occasioned or intensified by this pandemic. After beginning to write more about that anxiety here, I’ve decided to switch my focus to what helps me breathe and let go. Seems the healthier direction this morning.
But briefly. . . .Yesterday, I was trying to explain to my husband what it can feel like when I wake at 2 a.m. “Imagine,” I proposed, reaching for an analogy, “that you wake up realizing that something you did at work that day is going to cause a very good friend to lose her job for nothing she did wrong and she will know that you’re the cause.” The force of bodily responses I feel when I wake, seemingly out of a deep sleep, signals an error or threat of this magnitude. Except, of course, that my rational brain knows there’s nothing in my daily life to justify that level of anxiety. And eventually, with the help of “yoga breathing” and mindful body scanning, perhaps the recitation of a mantra, that rational brain reassures the atavistic panicker, citing evidence from my generally fortunate and comfortable daily life.
My neck-and-shoulders, however, and particularly my jaw, remain unconvinced and stand on guard, just in case.
So I’ve been adding (free) short (12-minute to 35-minutes, so far) Yoga with Adriene sessions to my fitness routine, scattered through the day and week as needed, as manageable. They’re actually a lovely, calming way to maintain flexibility and a sweet complement to my more boot-camp-ish strength workouts.
Salmonberries are beginning to ripen
And you know that I already walk regularly — and that I enjoy my city-walking — but yesterday we gave our feet a break from the concrete and headed to Pacific Spirit Park, a forest park at the edge of the city. Forest bathing. . . .
A natural cathedral . . . Ah, now breathe. . .
Salal blooms. . .
I’ve read that even just viewing photographs of nature can reduce stress in a variety of ways, activating our parasympathetic nervous system, allowing us “to relax [our] attention [while keeping] other parts of [our] mind engaged, in beneficial ways.”
Baldhip Rose Blossom — not much bigger than my thumbnail. . .
So . . . forest bathing and looking at photos of same for their calming effects has helped.
And I haven’t found as much time as I’d like for sketching lately, but I’m not going to let that be a cause for anxiety! Instead, I played around this morning trying to rough out a little sketch I have in mind — I thought I’d share it with you, in its rough and rudimentary state, as a hint to where I’m going as soon as I post this. . .
That masseuse (an RMT, or “registered massage therapist,” as we know them here in Canada) is my daughter, and I need to see if I can impart more energy to her figure in the next draft (I don’t think there’s any way I can indicate the sublime magic of being cared for this way by someone I once cradled in my arms). By then, I expect my jaw will have unlocked a bit more and my shoulders will have waved good-bye to my ears.
And perhaps, by then, you’ll have left me a comment or two. You could tell me if you’re finding your anxiety is lessening as we see case numbers drop, vaccination numbers rise, restrictions loosen. . . or has it shifted to consider your readiness for whatever the transition ahead might mean. Also feel free to share your favourite stress-buster.
And, finally, please know that I’m not speaking of a medically diagnosed “anxiety” here; that my intention is not to minimize effects that accompany such a diagnosis; and that I know the techniques and practices in this post will not suffice for all levels of anxiety. So far, for me, they’re reasonably effective, but for some of us, therapy and/or medication might also be necessary and appropriate. If that’s the case for you, I hope that you are able to find the care you need.
Went for a walk by myself this morning. The woodland trail near us. Just the anticipation of setting off, I felt like skipping. But didn’t. Too many dog-walkers about. Ha.
Exercise has always been a good stress reducer for me. But I prefer to do it alone. Set my own pace. Breathe. And then anticipate with what I will treat myself when I am done. 🙂
The nameless guilt thing. Been there. Felt that wash over me. I often wonder if growing up with a lot of stress in our household is the cause of this for me. I must ask my sister if she is the same.
P.S. Not sure why I have started writing comments in incomplete sentences.
xoxo
Author
I like exercising on my own as well, although right now I would love a good yoga class at a certain studio I used to love (one of the many that closed because of Covid).
Stress in our childhood homes seems to be showing up as a factor in so many ways, surprising me now in these later years (because I/we now have time for it to surface?)
Incomplete sentences can be effective in the right hands, apparently 😉
Ah… a walk in the forest might be just what I need! Unfortunately, the forest is a long way away and for now I’ll have to make do with walks around our tiny town and occasionally on prairie trails. My shoulders, neck, and jaw have been reacting just like yours. I’m both excited and a bit anxious about the transition that’s coming up… though it might not happen here in Alberta unless more people get out and get vaccinated. Frustration over that adds to my stress! I’ve been thinking about trying some yoga. My daughter, who has been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder, swears that it helps her. Maybe I’ll give Adriene a try.
Author
I think it would be really hard to live somewhere with a large population resistant to the vaccination — I hope that begins to change soon where you are. Meanwhile, I think you’ll find Yoga with Adriene a great introduction. Also, if you can find a guided Yoga Nidra meditation online, that can be very helpful (I use an app called Insight Nidra — and a really good choice there (free) is anything by Jennifer Piercy).
My flowers and yard are looking quite good as I find my peace in plants and dirt. Standing in the quiet of the evening with a water hose is very relaxing for me as I assess everyone’s growing/blooming status. I put up new bird feeders so I am on the watch for something with feathers and not the furry squirrels. I have my first massage since covid finally scheduled for this Friday~ hallelujah!
Author
Some good stress-relievers here! Bird feeders! A delight, unless the squirrels plague you. For comic relief, see if you can find Mark Rober’s squirrel obstacle course on YouTube. Brilliant and entertaining — engineering meets animal behavioural science meets pop culture (Mission Impossible).
I, too, am awake at 2am but due to a night owl-husband who comes to bed at 2am. I’m sure I return the favor when I awake at 7am. So thankful that I have no work responsibilities to rush off to in the morning! Love the beautiful forest photos and can imagine the delightful smells. I seek the same in my neighborhood, but not in a forest. Instead I walk along citrus and avocado groves and an occasional “barranca” (Spanish for narrow ravine cut by water). Occasionally, I get the salty smell of the ocean, especially when the fog rolls in. Still pinching myself that I get to live here!
Getting ready to welcome family here in a few weeks. We are all vaccinated (except the young kids) and have not been all together since 2019…especially because one family lives in Indonesia. Looking forward to the good times ahead!!!
Author
Are you able to get back to sleep easily at 2, Charlene, or can it take a while?
I love walking in the forest, but those citrus and avocado groves sound very appealing as well, especially when mixed with the marine fragrance. How wonderful that your whole family can be together. It’s been over four years for us now, far too long! But I’m sure those two years have felt very long for you as well — what a celebration you’ll have!
Canada is so beautiful and forest bathing is a fine tonic for anxious feelings. I too am familiar with middle of the night waking. My eyes fly open and I’m wide awake, though thankfully, not always feeling anxious. Sometimes I can feel the tightness in my jaw. Meditating helps as does walking. We seem to be heading into a colder than usual winter. Today’s top temperature was 10 degrees C, which I know is not really cold by Canadian standards, but pretty bracing for sub-tropical Sydney (it was our coldest June day for 37 years) so I’ve refused to go outdoors. Instead, I made roasted pumpkin soup, which gave me an excuse to have the oven on for a couple of hours. I’m enjoying reading Rodham by Curtis Sittenfeld and am knitting a vest in herringbone stitch for my daughter. All very winter appropriate and comforting. I enjoyed Yoga with Adrienne, which I discovered last year and I’m glad you’re finding it helpful.
Author
If your high for the day was 10C, you’ll have been dipping down towards zero for your low, and that’s definitely chilly enough for roasting your pumpkin, making up a pot of soup and reading and knitting. Not that you need an excuse 😉
I’m hoping to find a nearby yoga studio for in-person classes after I’ve had my second vaccination, but for now Yoga with Adriene is a great way to get me practising again. And the price is right!
Those middle of the night awake times can be so dreadful. Rational thinking seems to have vanished with the light and all sorts of anxiety-inducing thoughts take over. I find that square breathing can help, singing songs in my head (or sometimes softly aloud since my husband wears hearing aids), reciting verses, prayers, or even going over the days of some of our most enjoyable trips (the France ones). I find, though, that it’s always a couple of hours of being awake after the anxiety calms down. Regular stretching and visiting my physiotherapist helps relieve muscular spasms that I’m prone to experience as a rather chronic condition. Our bodies are meant to move!
A massage from your daughter sounds heavenly!
Author
It seems to take me a couple of hours as well, Lorrie! Good suggestions here — I’ve been known to walk certain routes in favourite foreign cities in my mind as a diversion from the anxious and repetitive thoughts. And yes, keeping our bodies moving!
Beautiful forest walk!
Luckily,I sleep well (although had a couple of months sleeping problem around my fifties,hormones,I guess. I woke up early,around 4 o’clock and when I became sleepy again,I had to go to work-It was horrible experience,so I hear you). I still have a moment,sometimes very early, in the evening when I’m tired and sleepy and I’ve learned to respect it and go to sleep ASAP ,or I’ll have problems later
Sleeping stories help … or soothing music…
I’ve spent these 1,5 years (with A LOT of different challenges beside covid) with a lot of breathing,meditations,listening to guided meditations,mantras,affirmations,visualisations,prayers,nordic walks in Maksimir wood…..and it all really helped
Dottoressa
Author
This is a good point you make about respecting that moment of sleepiness even if it doesn’t fit the schedules we think we ought to follow — our bodies know, don’t they?!
Your list of what has helped you is SO good. So many of these practices were once labelled “new age” and looked at with amusement or derision, but I really think we’re finding how effective they can be. (Oh, and after I read this, I Googled “nordic walking.” Looks like excellent exercise and I imagine the poling movement adds to the right-left integration of movement that’s been found beneficial. The Dottoressa would know 😉
😉💖
I know the sensation of waking up with heart racing and teeth clenched without being able to find an external cause. All possible errors and threats ticked off, there is still that feeling that “something is wrong”. Sometimes I realize that I have taken on too much, that I feel constrained or driven by needs which are not my own. But basically, I know after all these years that this “something” is inside me, it comes and goes. To encourage it go I use all the ways that have been mentioned here. Best of all is outdoor exercise by myself like walking, cycling, gardening.
Author
Another one who “gets” this — and you also know, as I do, that this is generally a cyclical phenomenon and I remind myself that it generally doesn’t last more than a week in its more intense stage and that it will yield if I move mindfully through my days. . . (are you gardening yet in your new home or is that even possible where you are now?)
At the moment I am at the lakeside where I do my bit in the family garden which I share with my sister, BIL, and nephew. But yes, my new home has a garden, too.
Author
This is excellent news — on both counts! So pleased to imagine you at that beautiful lakeside.
When I was a child, my mother always described me as “high strung.” I was the eldest, quiet (but not really), compliant (not really) and shy (a little bit). I woke often with feelings of having done something wrong or having upset someone. It sounds silly but it caused me sweaty palms and distress.
As I have grown older and (a bit) wiser, I have realized that it is likely that my mother had (and still has) anxiety disorder. As the first child, joined very quickly (14 months) by another, I sensed that I must not cause trouble. Conscientious was the word most often used to describe me on report cards.
I have learned that I don’t have to be constantly proving myself to be worthwhile. I still wake in the night and I occasionally feel undeserved guilt or shame. I find walking by myself and looking at flowers to be an effective restorative.
Author
It doesn’t sound silly to me, that childhood conscientiousness and distress (familiar, rather!). But isn’t it good that we can at least get some perspective on our sensitivities now, in all their strengths and frailties! And we know what works restoratively for us.
I count myself very fortunate (so far) during this pandemic and have actually surprised myself at how I have approached things. The slow pace of life, few responsibilities and a comfortable degree of financial security have suited me. If I do wake in the early hours, I tend to wax philosophical, not anxious and because I get up early, an afternoon sleep breaks the day beautifully. After a few years of anxiousness, a degree of guilt and a feeling that I should (that damned word!) be doing more or something significant, I have settled into an easier way of life. The trick will be to keep that up. I have broken enough teeth due to nighttime teeth clenching and cannot afford any more, literally and metaphorically. And now, if you will excuse me, I believe it is time for my second Friday gin. Hang as loose as you can, people.
Author
Sounds very sensible and healthy — and I suspect you will be able to keep the trick up or at least remember it well enough to calibrate comfortably as we move back toward what we once called “normal.”
Grrr to the nighttime teeth clenching. Even worse, I’m finding, is that I’m chomping down regularly on my tongue, and honestly, if I could retrain to bite my fingernails, I think I’d be happier! 😉
Thanks for this post. I suffer from the things you describe, and I combat them all (somewhat but not entirely successfully) with a combination of regular walking, yoga, massage, and modern pharmaceuticals. Some of the old Covid associated anxieties have gone but have been replaced by a few new ones. Sigh.
Author
You’re welcome, Maggie. I find it helps to know we’re not alone, so I really appreciate your response. I think you’re right: as much as we’ve all strained hopefully and impatiently toward having Covid- related restrictions, some of us feel at least ambivalent about being able to get out more, to go further, with more people, more often.
I am fortunate in that although I do. suffer occasional bouts of this kind of anxiety and wakefulness it is rare. That said I just came out of a bout of it, I am certain at least partially chemically induced as I am undergoing some medical treatment was well. Walks. help. Meditation when I can manage it, but that is not always so, is it. Knitting can put my. mind at ease. I will admit that I was up at 2AM just yesterday, watching The Thin Man and knitting away, before finally relaxing. enough to go back to sleep. Would it were always so easy. Thank you for sharing.
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You have far more reason than I for that anxiety and wakefulness (although I can hear you telling me that anxiety and reason don’t always play nicely together). I’m impressed, as always, by your strength and your wisdom. And oh, aren’t we lucky to be knitters, to feel productive as we knit our anxiety into deeper breaths, one stitch at a time.
This post, with the rise in my pulse rate at the familiar small hours waking, and the following deacceleration with the photos of nature, was the anxiety equivalent of a sauna and a jump in the snow and did me so much good. xoxoxox
Author
I’m so pleased to hear that. xo
As a person with diagnosed clinical anxiety and OCD, I can tell you that a diagnosis doesn’t make what you’re feeling any less real. And all mitigation mechanisms are warranted, IMO. There are few I haven’t made use of over the course of my life. Do I feel safer now that I’ve had one shot? Um, hard to say. I mean, I live practically in the epicentre of the Cdn epicentre, and somehow, mine was one of the only downtown postal codes, adjacent to every hot spot, that wasn’t considered a hot spot. So I didn’t get my first shot till last week – there were none to be found sooner (save taking them from people who needed them more). I am very optimistic to see how we’ve turned vaccines into a hipster badge. (Anything to fight this absurdity.) But I am not optimistic that this is anywhere near over. We are inches away from more endemic insanity that we cannot predict. I wish I felt otherwise. But 15 months of pretty well constant lock down has really rewired my brain.
Author
We’ve been so lucky here — I don’t know what I’d be like if we lived in the centre of it, as you do. And so frustrating to have to wait so long for a vaccination. Right now, I feel there’s reason for optimism, but like you, I think we’re not out of the woods yet. Take care. xoxo