Images from my kayak paddle around the island a few mornings ago, while Nola was still sleeping. . . I’ve been frustrated that I’m missing out on the good weather paddles, since I can’t go out with Paul while our little girl is here. So I pushed myself to get out on my own, something I used to do often but have got a bit nervous about since it’s been a while.
I miscalculated, though. While it looks relatively calm in these photos, these are taken on the protected side of the island, between us and “the big Island.” On the outside, as often happens on summer mornings, there was a very healthy chop and a stiff wind to push against. Not only was it more of a workout than I’d planned on, I was also battling my fear about the waves, my little roller coaster ride up and down the 3-foot troughs they created, that disturbing thwack the bow made as it hit the water. And me without a spray skirt!
Still, I made it home in one piece and without having to abandon the boat, and I feel good that I reclaimed some solo territory. But I’ll check the weather more carefully before I do that again. . . .
Looks as if we’ll have at least another full week of hot and dry here, and Nola’s gone home, replaced by other house guests who can be left on their own while Paul and I slip away for an hour’s paddle. . . .
After all, they could be doing this, as last night . . .
Are there some activities that you know you are fearful to do on your own although you know yourself to be capable? Do you push yourself to retain independence despite the fear? (I do with some things, haven’t enough energy for others, or time, or motivation) Or are you one of those lucky ones who doesn’t much truck with fear? (Oh, I wish!) I can sometimes get myself into a bit of trouble because I don’t trust my fear, as I feel it appears too easily. Occasionally I ignore it when it might be best to listen (as when I got myself lost in the fog in the boat by myself. . . .only momentarily, but still. . . ). I’m curious to know how you negotiate this creature, fear, with its potential to narrow our range of activities, especially as we add years. . .
I love the thought of a paddle in the early morning – it's been months. My paddling is usually on a quiet local lake – don't know how I'd do with a choppy strait.
Two years ago I went off on my own to Belgium and England. Yes, there were visits to friends, but I was on my own a lot, negotiating planes trains and hotels. It was good to have to depend only on myself, and I'd like to do more of that. I'm very much a 'just do it' person, and while it sometimes gets me into uncomfortable territory I have always felt stronger for the experiences.
I remember you posting about that trip. I love having Paul along with me for comfort and ocmpanionship and security, etc., but I also notice that I default to letting him do things I used to manage. I like to plan a trip every so often that reminds me I could do this on my own as well. . .
I love a new post by you and one with pictures of your island is a special treat. As for fearfulness, I am full of it and try to force myself to do things. I have a beautiful trail close to my home but it goes through a heavily wooded area. I would love to walk it alone but my fears prevent me. I envy those who have no fears and would love to be more like them but as I get older it seems I get more fearful instead of less.
I have to admit that I'd be leery of walking or running in heavily wooded areas on my own as well. Some of that is just common sense, though, isn't it? I'd be fine walking or running that area with a dog, if I still owned one, but I don't blame you for waiting until you have a fellow walker. . . .
Your photos are so peaceful. Your early morning time seems something special that you enjoy. I am afraid of heights and I really don't like hiking in the mountains or even really driving in the mountains. I don't push myself to do activities that I don't enjoy because life is too short.
Yes, I agree that there are some activities it's not worth pursuing when there is already so much to occupy us — I was thinking more of things that we want to do, but don't because of fear. You seem very independent to me with your frequent and prolonged solo travelling.
The fear. I know it so well. It moves with me everyday. But specifically running in unknown territory on my own. I make myself believe in me. Paddling too. I love it but waves are scary. So I usually give it as some and go in a double. Cycling, have not yet mastered this one but still working on it. I am very jealous of your paddling. It looks stunning from your island.
It's funny, about the running in unknown territory. I think I'm almost over it now, but for years, I had some kind of worry and it had to do with visibility and performance, I think, rather than concerns about physical safety or getting lost. I'm almost in awe of my fearless running friends who head out trail running on their own. The paddling here is great — worth developing my ability to go out solo, although I prefer having my husband's company. . . .
Glad you made it back.
I used to move through the world surmounting all kinds of fears. My husband is very competent, and I suppose he now scaffolds so much. When I do anything new or tricky without him, I feel kind of proud. Funny, since I used to be so on my own.
I like the imagery of the husbandly scaffolding. And the pride, as well. And the notion of how circumstances changes, and we along with them. Adaptability is good!
So irritated – my genius comment was eaten đ Gist was I'm afraid of just about everything – especially perimenopause.
Well now I'm irritated as well. Damn that hungry comment feature!
Note: Fear of perimenopause passes as the real thing approaches . . . đ
Oh, paddling into the wind…no fun! Still I admire your guts to get out there solo.
Theoretically, if I keep paddling? Guns! Pipes! Biceps! A girl can hope, right?
We canoe but don't kayak… I'd love to try it. But yikes…I would have been too chicken to go through those three foot troughs!
Your post almost makes me want to jump out of bed so as to not miss those early mornings. I'm sooo not a morning person unless I have to get up for work or to catch a plane.
Three-foot troughs could possibly be an exaggeration, but that's how they looked from my perspective . . . I didn't used to be a morning person, but our windows are east-facing and uncurtained. . . .
These things I fear and do not do: row any kind of boat apart from the most basic old wooden version. Go up and down high hills/mountains. Drive on motorways. These things I fear but will endure for good reasons: the dentist, flying. Everything else is either groundless or beyond my control or dreamed up in my imagination. As I get older, fear is becoming a constant companion of the dark hours. Cheery, eh?
I love the way you've categorized these, Annie. I have my non-negotiable a, also, and the things I'll push myself to because I think they're worth it. I so admire my friends who seem not to know, or to ignore very convincingly, fear.
I don't comment much, and I don't think ever here … but I love reading your blog and this post was just wonderful. Thank you for sharing.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this, Robin, and it means a lot that you took the time to say so. That said, I'm also very happy to know you're out there reading, even if you rarely comment. Thank you.